By Gerri Graves
Education. College will save you from poverty. Become a Doctor, a Lawyer or one of those Tech Engineers. They make great money!
Or marry one. That’s it. Be a great housewife. Submissive and docile. Don’t have thoughts or opinions…just a dozen kids. The more you have, the less your husband will feel inclined to leave. I mean, divorce…with all those kids? It would financially devastate him.
Now, go put on your lipstick and evening attire. The pot roast is almost done, the pie is ready to go in…and your man is late in coming home from work. Probably a few cocktails with coworkers. You know how he complains when the roast is dry and overcooked…perhaps add some broth and simmer on super low to keep it warm until he decides to remember he has a family.
My parents laid out some pretty bleak options for my future, but money was the true objective. Either educate yourself into it, or marry into it……and at the very least, you’ll have the semblance of marital bliss.
We women finally came into our own in the latter part of the 19th-20th century. We weren’t necessarily confined to honoring that teenage shotgun wedding for the rest of our lives, but our parents were brainwashed by that ill-advice…and regurgitated it to their children.
But Gen X? Oh heck to the no! We ex-punkers, new wave, goth, grunge, metal heads weren’t necessarily concerned with winning the lottery….and we sure as heck didn’t want to marry our teenage crush for infinity times infinity.
Generations that came after us added to that mountain of “not my parents’ mistakes”. We were not going to listen to that nonsense any longer.
Their many goals included a higher education and freedom from relying on anyone else’s income. Some opted out of marriage and having children.
My kids have many flaws, just like their Ma, but are wonderful, caring people. They’re not Doctors or Lawyers…but good human beings living their lives as they see fit.
My children are definitely a blessing to me, but I do understand why some decline procreation. It’s a hard job that never ends until the end of your days. You don’t cease being a mother once they reach 18; you are a mother forever. That means you love them despite their bad decisions and mistakes. It’s a whole lot of listening and trying to understand their point of view, hand-holding, and accepting their choice of a partner. Arguing and making up. Snuggles, popcorn, and Buffy in October. Lol
They forgive me my flaws and I forgive theirs…as we all navigate this difficult partnership without a ‘how to’ handbook.
Some women are just not meant to become mothers…and I appreciate the honesty they have with themselves. I mean, I’m sure we can all think of a woman or two that were thrust into motherhood. Coming from a terrible upbringing within their own childhood, they struggle with it. Essentially, flying blind. No one ever showed them how to be a good parent, or a parent at all, for that matter.
I recently met up with a woman who had decided early on that children were not in her future. She focused on her career and did quite well.
Her shockingly bright blue eyes showed intellect, as she cautiously chose her words with care. She explained how she entered the tech world and how she worked her way up through the hierarchy after a handful of years. Now, with a whole crew working under her, she kept busy. It was one of the perks she pointed out: “The work day flew by.”
She liked her job, even though she clocked a lot of OT hours. “Working in a field you love doesn’t feel like work. The field is constantly changing, keeping me on my toes. It never became stagnant. Hard to become bored with an occupation that constantly fills you with fresh knowledge.”
I agreed with her. “You stop learning, you start dying,” I replied. I understood her point and reflected on some of the mindless jobs I had to work just to make ends meet, while dancing the single mom jig.
She mentioned that she had thought of becoming a mom, but her past relationships were not healthy enough to introduce a child into them.
“One, the last one actually, was volatile. We shared a dog and a cat. That was as close to becoming a parent as I’ve ever been,” she added.
Her face contorted as she alluded to my gaze. A look of pain flashed across her face before she composed herself enough to continue, “I caught her cheating on me, after years of her gaslighting to the contrary.”
She explained the complex situation more comprehensively. They worked different shifts, which in essence meant…they slept separately during the work week. She would often hear thumping, walking, and low whispers coming from the upper floor of the house. When she had enquired as to who had visited, her partner assured her, over and over, that no one had stopped by.
It frightened her. Lying there, in the dark, listening to it. It broke her, mentally. She felt crazy. Until she caught her in the act.
She left that night, stating she’d be back for her things. In the interim, however, her partner sold most of it. Family heirlooms. Her work laptop. Clothes, gaming systems, televisions, furniture. Any item worth anything, she sold…….and the few items that were left, she held hostage at her new boyfriend’s place. Yeah…..the ‘current’ person she had been cheating with. There had been many, she later found out.
She came back to Idaho with what little savings she had, and not much else. She’d lost everything.
She slept in her car, showered at the YCMA, and put in applications everywhere…..but, as luck would have it, no one was hiring a tech engineer. With the introduction of AI, and the tech field evolving yet again…her years of experience were made redundant.
She ended up taking whatever she could get…a fast food job to begin with and now, a call center position.
She eventually saved up for an apartment, although she had nothing to put into it. At night, she slept on the floor and grappled with a future of uncertainty. It’s the first time she’s ever felt that her life was no longer in her control.
She contemplated going back to school, but the tech field is changing faster than the time needed to earn a new degree. Not only that, but she needs to work full time in order to just exist.
Her job now pays a third of what she used to make…but the rent is twice as much.
I think her story is an important one. She made all the right decisions in her life. She is smart and decisive. Honest and empathetic. Worked hard for her future. No dependents. No dependency on any substance. Had a small savings. Paid off her car and credit cards- no debt.
She should have been secure. The epitome of the American dream- work hard and reap the rewards. But one failed relationship and a drastic change in her field of expertise upended her entire future.
Sadly, hers is not the only story I’ve heard regarding the tech field. I’ve personally read two other stories of tech engineers, one homeless and one living in his RV, who have also lost everything…and cannot find a job. Both lived lives of zero risk.
The assumption is, for the most part, people who become homeless brought it on themselves…and yet, here is a fine example of someone who did everything right, and still ended up sleeping in her car.
If it can happen to her, then none of us is safe. We’re just a few paychecks away from losing everything.
As she got up to leave, I hugged her neck and reminded her that she’s not alone, “I know it must feel like everyone has jumped ship and left you to figure this out alone. Some think homelessness is contagious. But I think that wicked side-eye you possess will come in handy when you leave them all in the past. One look back…and then never look back again.”