By Eric Endsley
Please cut me open. Take me away.
Take me out of my body. Teach me to pray.
Body not mine see thy god is not kind.
You see how he’s put my brain and body in a bind.
I don’t belong here is a constant.
I’m sober and trying to get over the bad I’ve done to be honest.
This body isn’t mine I need something more sublime.
I’m not perfect and I am not worth it.
My heart even, I’ve hurt it!
There was a point where I was assertive,
But it was fake cause through coke I found the courage.
I’m sober now and thinking too much.
Finally not missing the rush.
But now holding the weight of the trauma I un-dust.
It’s too much to handle.
These thoughts aren’t manageable.
I want to hide, but I can’t.
I’ve got to talk and rant.
I need to be secure in me walking confident finally.
I dunno how and I dunno why.
But this makes me want to cry.
I’ve been awful and been rude, been unpleasant and confused.
I’m embarrassed and open eyed, starry even, as I’ve overcome my lies.
How do I move forward what do I do.
Someone please help me. I’m begging you to.
Put me away and shoot my face.
How dare I live when I don’t act as my own race.
I’m sick of it all I’m sick of you, I’m sick of myself whole heartedly too.
I’m a liar I’m a thief I and I’m a drug addicted fool.
I was a child a loser a rusty tool
Beat me over the head. I wish I was dead.
Crazy my fave color is red because it’s all I see so kill me with lead.
I’ll fall asleep. I’ll go down, you can even help me drown.
I wish I could apologize to everyone I’ve hurt. I know I’ve been the worst.
I can’t take it anymore. I shouldn’t be here. I shouldn’t be queer.
I’m sick of the looks, I’m sick of the comments.
I just want to move forward beyond this.
If it’s growing or dying I’ll be the foreman.
I should have grown up long beforehand.
I’m odd, I’m sick, why should I live with this.
I’ve ruined friendships. I’ve started drama.
I had a chance to meet my blood Momma.
Never met her, I never tried, her choices and my demise.
I’ve been riding I’ve been dying, between the lines of my past underlyings.
Don’t look and I won’t look you in the eye. I’m too nervous, weird and shy.
You see why I’m thinking it’s not right, it’s not fair I have to be here.
I’m angry, I’m odd my body needs a new mod.
I can’t deal I can’t hide, just stab me in my side, let me bleed because I can see
The rest of my life and all the strife.
I can’t believe this. I don’t want to be this.
I can’t move on and I’ve been wrong.
I don’t want this life and I’ve never wanted a wife. No one will love me like that.
It’s not a possible life.